it's not you, it's me, edmonton.

my sense of timing is awful. yesterday the presentation flew by. right now i'm writing this because i'm avoiding confronting writing a late and major paper. i started elementary school a year later than most students. i took a year off university. and now i'm taking a year longer than the usual amount of four years. i've passed by collisions that must have happened only seconds ahead of me.

so here's my belated letter to edmonton. coming a little too late maybe. i should have done this ages ago.

it's not you, it's me, edmonton. it's time we both came to terms with the way this relationship is going. we've just become comfortable with each other. you're not afraid to fart around me and i stopped wearing make up around you. we've let each other go. you're comfortable. i'm comfortable. we no longer challenge each other. 

i know all your secrets and dirty bits, all your shames and loves. i know all about that weird tick you get during the spring when suddenly a lot of snow falls. some of your lovable flaws have grown on me, others have started to infuriate me. for example, can we please stop talking about the weather? i know, i know, it's your thing. but spare at least this one person from the relentless and FASCINATING observations that yes, it's warms, and yes, it's cold, and yes, that sure was one heck of a downpour. but i do still love your summer nighttime blush when you show your true colors and the way you don't judge me when i do stupid things, like get trashed and sleep around. but that's part of that "comfortable" thing i mentioned before. sometimes i want you to question me and hold me responsible.

sometimes, when i get away from you and i'm alone or with some other city, i wonder if maybe i just like these things about you because i've gotten used to them and it's nice to have someplace to return to. i sometimes really crave the risk of that chicago guy, or the unabashed flirting of that rome guy, or that exotic phnom penh guy. i know, it must make you jealous to hear this and i bet you wonder why i would bother with some of them. but i'm still young. and excited. but in some ways i think i'm more mature than you.

i don't want us to part on bad terms but these are my honest thoughts (i figured you would ask). you're still such a boy. you have potential and a bright future and i love your energy but i need someone who's a little more mature if i'm going to get into a serious relationship.

we've had a lot of fun and i'll never forget the good times we had. even the bad ones. and especially the ones we thought were bad until we realized they were the best.

but i have to move on because i've changed. or maybe i stayed the same. i'm not sure, but i know it's time.

i'm going to move in with my ex-boyfriend for a bit until i decide what to do next and where i should establish myself. don't worry, we're not resuming our relationship. his sandy hair and blue eyes are not enough to woo me back, he was pretty violent and unpredictable. don't get jealous. it's only for a bit and only for convenience. i know you'll worry and i know you'll miss me. we'll stay in touch because, well, my parents really like you and so do my friends (even though i know you think they say mean things behind your back). maybe we'll even get back together but i don't want to give you false hope or lead you on anymore.

i really wish you all the best, edmonton.